by admin | Dec 28, 2022 | Simple Self Help
My late friend Ray Harris of New Orleans has often spoken with me about the importance of role models in his early life when he was growing up. At different times in these critical years people appeared in his life at just the time that he required help and support. When he was in school a particular teacher took Ray under his wing and introduced him to the joy of reading and the magic of words. Slowly but surely Ray saw his ability with words grow to match his hunger for the books that were placed in front of him.
When he left school and was getting work experience the right employer turned up at the right moment to give him an insight into what an experience of benevolent and caring employment should look and feel like.
As he entered the world of work and adult responsibility yet another man came forward to provide Ray with a model of decent, ethical behavior and of a value system he could adopt with confidence and surety.
Life is difficult and confusing enough as it is. If there is scope for lifting the load for someone you work with or cross paths with - and you are willing to do so - then pick up the gauntlet and rise to the challenge. Offer a hand up (as opposed to the charitable hand out) to an individual who strikes you as able to benefit from or appreciate the additional input you can give.
Ray has always taken the view that he was blessed with the support he received from outside his family and this lead him into an active participation in "Each One Help One", an organization dedicated to matching Mentors with those requiring that little bit of extra help.
Regardless of your age, experiences, work history or appetite for life there is someone out there who is absolutely ready for the input, guidance and contribution you can provide. Listen out for someone needing your help. Be open to invites for help or listening, for the sharing of simple guidance and suggestion.
Make yourself available and you will make a huge difference. Until you make the first step toward a mentoring organisation they will not know that you are there with the requisite strengths that are needed by someone they represent.
by admin | Dec 18, 2022 | Declutter
While exploring our own situation of a house filled with 'stuff' and all the emotional issues I felt around these possessions, I started to look at the themes of letting go, of discarding and living with less. I had my own 'light switch' moment when I was about to buy yet another book and realised the stupidity of doing so. I had already had shelves piled high with books, so why bother with another that would take up space, cost money to buy and then gather dust? That moment started the conversation in my mind about doing the same or better with less possessions and better energy.
When you look at you own home space, how much of the things in the building do you actually need? What proportion of your home space would you need if you just kept what you love and use each day?
If Consumerism is the mass wave of being swept along in buying the latest cellphone, family vehicle, or fighting - sometimes literally - for the best deal at a store opening on Black Friday, then the opposite of this is making what you have last longer and being in a place where the same amount of money now buys you more of what you will appreciate and preserve.
In looking at what we need to live with in our own space we have begun conversations with new friends and people who have made a decision to be in a different and better place. A lady in our town runs a beauty store on the high street. when she finishes work each day she gets in her car and drives five miles or ten miles to wherever her floating home is moored up. Five years ago she and her husband sold their house and split their money between long term savings and a previously owned narrowboat. Moving from a three bedroom house to a boat that is really just a thirty foot long corridor has completely changed their approach to possessions and what is needed. "We each have plenty of clothes. Our boat has a galley kitchen, a combination washer dryer machine for clothes, and a dining table that folds away when not used. We have our own bedroom with a conventional bed and two fold away camp cots for when friends stay. We have a wood burning stove that heats the whole boat for little cost. We have a shower instead of a bath, lots of shelves along the length of the boat for books, ornaments and general storage. We have potted plants and shrubs on the roof along with bicycles and firewood, with sitting out areas to the the front and rear of our boat. All of the stress of buying and paying for the extra 'stuff' of living in a house, all of that pressure and worry has gone."
In an example from a helpful and inspiring online documentary called "Minimalism" I watched a man in his twenties talk about how he has reduced his belongings to 51 items that he can pack into just two bags, a weekend shoulder bag and a laptop bag. With just these items he lives a very flexible life, able to work from different places around the world as he chooses, precisely because he doesn't have the baggage that we surround ourselves with in everyday life.
The canal boat and the youngster with 51 items might seem extreme but they are real examples of how people have decided to do just as well with less belongings, wanting to lead lives that are meaningful to them without the conventional approach to the debt associated with possessions and home spaces.
We are demanding more space and more facilities in buildings that we make proportionately less use of than our parents and grandparents. Garages are used primarily for storage of clutter rather than for a vehicle. Rarely are they spaces where we keep our workshop and tool collection. Instead we use such skills less and pay other people to do the repair work for us. The lack of knowledge over how to maintain a house comes at a financial cost.
You can lead a life where you can rely on far less money because that money will go so much further when spent on items that are durable, and which of course you love and appreciate. When you cost of living drops but you maintain or enhance that standard of living, you are in a good place. Decluttering and realising what you no longer need is a part of the process of becoming free and gaining greater happiness and contentment with your life. Without all the belongings that surround you, how might your life look different?
by admin | Dec 4, 2022 | Declutter
Clutter is not just about possessions in your house that you no longer use. People who are a negative influence in your life and on how you feel, these too need your focus in order to reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
Since I write about the energy in your home that is generated by objects, possessions and your art, it shouldn't come as a surprise that difficult or toxic people should be treated just like any other negative influence. Toxic people are thankfully a minority, but the strength of their effect upon is can be devastating.
In truth it is common for us to go through the letting go process of discarding items from our lives and to find ourselves thinking about some of the relationships that are similarly heavy, unpleasant or even painful. These need to be dealt with for the same reasons that old, damaged or ugly possessions need to be released from our lives. Difficult people also cause unhappiness, foster discontent or actually contribute to us being unhappy or unfulfilled.
A good and healthy friendship uplifts and supports us. In contrast to this a toxic person will bring poison into the relationship, causing fear, worry or concern. Feuds, fights and arguments are not the characteristics of friendship, but of a strained and difficult relationship that you don't need. There is no need for you to put up with such a person or to have them in your life. There can be moments in any friendship where there will be times of absence or events that prevent us from being together, but the general energy is of help, care and nurturing. Be clear with yourself about any 'friendship' that is less than this to you.
Be clear in asking yourself questions like these:
- What does a good friendship look like?
- What value does this person bring into my life?
- How do they contribute to our relationship?
- How do I feel when I am around them?
Letting go of a relationship or friendship that is not supporting you in being 'Your Best You' is something you need to do in order to live an optimal life, to reduce the distraction of your focus from what matters, but also to stop the drain of your energies. Saying it is one thing though, and actually doing it, making the separation is another thing completely!
See your good relationships as the benchmark.
Consider why these work, what is good about them, and why there is a natural lightness and ease to the way they are. Seeing the positive ones this way, with an intentional focus, allows you to compare them with the more difficult, awkward and difficult relationships. Look at the amount of your free time you are spending in these good and positive relationships, versus the time you allow to be lost in the ones which bring you no benefit or which actually cause you to feel pain or hurt.
Don't wait for "Sorry"
When a friend has caused you to feel upset, distressed or to feel ignored, don't be the person waiting for an apology. It may never come. Oftentimes the toxic person won't even be aware of the damage they have done to you with their selfish behaviour or sharp words. It seems to be the natural way of things that such people can have low levels of self-awareness. Let go of them and move forward.
Ask for help
In letting go of the bad ask for help from those friends who can appreciate and understand what you have been going through. You have to let them know what you have been struggling with in that other relationship, and the chances are quite high that they have been aware of the situation and waiting on the sidelines to be given permission to step in and help you make some changes.
Let yourself feel the sadness
Endings can be difficult and they can be sad. Allow yourself to mourn for the low quality relationship that is ending, if this is what you want to do. Close it down, and let it leave your life. Acknowledge that it did once work well and gave you something you might have needed or wanted at a different time when you were not the person you have since become.
Spend less time in that friendship
Decline an invite. Leave a gathering earlier than normal. Decline an invite. Just because your cell phone rings, do you have to answer it? Let their call go to voicemail. Perhaps reply the next day or not at all. Don't respond to a text message or a voicemail. Let it go. Be less available than you were before. Broaden the time gap of responding to their contact, until one day you don't reply at all.
Journal and reflect on the separation
A relationship is about what is shared between the two people. Can you select on what you received and gave in this friendship? Was there imbalance, humour, kindness, fun? The lessons you take from this can be used to help you move forward. Journal as you go through your recollection of the time with this person. Resolve to let go and move on. You have a good life to live.
