by admin | May 27, 2022 | Simple Self Help
Seriously! How are things with you? Feeling good about who you are and how you are in yourself? Yes? No? Maybe? Confused?
Welcome to the human race my friend! So often you might catch yourself during the day being concerned about the things in your life that seem to be unresolved, that cause you stress or worry and which you will rightly want to give some time to. The issue is that while so much is not dealt with it can indeed be difficult to even think of yourself, let alone to consider the relationship that you have with yourself.
Answer this question for yourself:
"Today I feel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."
Fill in the gap with a stream of thoughts and allow yourself to notice the feelings as they come up for you. You may find this a potentially uncomfortable exercise to begin with as it is very unlikely you have deliberately given yourself time for yourself before. This is OK and totally natural. In quiet time for yourself you will be able to listen to you talking to yourself and hear what it is that you are carrying around with you all the time.
Allow yourself and your spirit the time to let these thoughts flow into the present. Listen to yourself without judgement and just accept what you hear your thoughts telling you. Let these ideas, thoughts, apologies, sadnesses, embarrassments, affirmations and statements of fact be shared with you just as they are. Let go of the need to filter or change them. Simply receive and accept them.
Knowing these thoughts now, give thanks that you are aware of them and consider the impact that such thoughts will have been having on you for as long as you have been holding them. At the very core of your relationship with all the people you come into contact with is this relationship that you have with yourself. Whether you are loving, hateful, caring, doubting or kind to yourself, there is a way that this fundamental relationship with yourself is carried out into the world with you.
Begin to explore the feelings and thoughts, the considerations and the emotions that come up for you in this quiet reflection time that you are engaging in today.
Do not be in judgement about what you see and hear in this conversation with yourself. Simply resolve to take the points you observe and make use of them in a gentle way and in a manner that with you allow you to come from the greater perception you now have of yourself, taking this into your daily experience.
Move forward from this place and determine to strengthen the relationship with yourself from knowledge of yourself.
You are an amazing person simply by being here in this moment. That you are here at all is a miracle of biology, nature, survival, determination and of the power and expression of love.
On those days when you might allow yourself a down moment (and we all have times like that), just consider the miracle of your being here at all and it might allay a few of your own doubts, fears and concerns and reveal them for the insecure moments they represent.
The relationship you have with yourself is the most important of all, for if you do not come from a place of love and respect for yourself, how then do you find love and give respect for another? If you already have a personal source of internal motivation and self-respect it becomes so much simpler for you to provide this to others. You do this through a sharing of a part of yourself, by revealing some aspect of who you are and what you stand for.
Of course, you get to that place through questioning yourself about who you are and who you have become so far in this journey we call life.
There is no need for you to now become quite so hyper-analytical that you are someone else.
Be easy on yourself and simply accept who you are and what you are here for. Perhaps not the simplest quest to find the answers to! There is great opportunity here for you and the act of having a great relationship with yourself can come from beginning to at least starting with your focus on a good relationship. You can improve the whole thing and move onwards and upwards from there!
Above all, be a source of your own love.
by admin | May 26, 2022 | Declutter
There will be some elements of your past wrapped up in your current 'grown-up' world of hanging onto things or even to obsessive hoarding. Taking time to look at these and to journal about what you observe and learn can be very helpful.
I gather books around me like they will never be printed again! Pens fill my house. Stationery is something I value as a jeweller might adore diamonds. If I take these three points of clutter I can see where the root of my addictions begins. It starts with childhood.
As the first of seven children there was always a younger sibling who would see something I had and want it for themselves. It was often a pen or pencil that I used for schoolwork which would disappear to be used for scribbling or colouring in a book. A book I had been given when pre-school and which I remembered even then having read to me by my Mum or Dad, would be pulled by a brother or sister and the pages would be ripped or smudged or be covered in their food. At some point I must have had the thought that "I need more pens because they are always being taken" or "I need to put my books out of reach so that my sisters can't get hold of them". And so my gathering of books and stationery began. My problem is that it has never stopped!
When I am in a bookstore I go weak at the knees with the desire to buy at least one book and take it home. Often for the reading of the story that I am attracted to from the cover blurb, but always more for the sense of ownership, of being able to declare that"these books are mine". I have exactly the same sensations when I am in the stationery department of a store, or even better, if I am in a shop that only sells pens. Biros, fountain pens, brushed metal pens, gel pens, propelling pencils, erasers, pencil sharpeners. Surrounded by these I am in heaven.
Look for the evidence of hoarding.
Consider this ridiculous piece of information which is totally relevant to this article. I am working in the local library this morning and my pen case is next to my laptop. Given what I have just been thinking about I have emptied the case onto the table and find I have eighteen pens with me. Not a couple but eighteen, for goodness sake!
For evidence of my OCD tendencies (at least I can embrace it) here are the details:
4 fountain pens, blue ink.
5 gel pens, black ink.
5 biros, black ink.
4 felt pens, red, green, brown and blue ink.
Why do I have so many pens around me? I am writing on a laptop at this stage of the book before I print and then do an edit by hand and with a pen. I use a paper diary and can use that with just three pens of different colours. Why don't I have just three pens with me today when I am primarily putting my thoughts down on a laptop?
Looking at my own past and seeing the stationery addiction, all this makes perfect sense. I have so many pens precisely because their presence gives me a sense of who I am with the "I am a writer" part of my identity, but also because I made the decision as a teenager that I would always make sure I had enough of what I wanted and which other people could not take away from me. Even now I am protecting myself from fear of loss.
That's an interesting observation for me to add to my journal later! Things like this will continue to surprise you as you start and then add to your own journal as you go through this process of Letting Go. We learn from the very same insights we can help ourselves to reach.
For that same journal here is a simple question for you to consider:
"What can I learn about my hoarding behaviour by exploring the past that has shaped me and my approach to possessions?"
Good luck with seeking help, and also for finding practical support with the clearing of things that are covering up surfaces and filling the cupboards and storage areas of your home. You can do something about this where it is causing you to feel overwhelmed and lost. Don't be slow in coming forward and seeking support and guidance. When you take action, by dealing with just one shelf or one drawer at a time, you will make progress. Make your decluttering behaviour consistent. Over time this positive action will combine to give you increasingly good outcomes for you and the space you can enjoy living in.
by admin | May 19, 2022 | Simple Self Help
The old saying goes "If it's to be, it's up to me." I think nowadays that it should perhaps also say "If it's to be, it's up to you too!"
No matter what life throws at you, presents gently or serves up on a platter, how you respond is something you have total control over. There is nothing in your life that you cannot change, that you cannot act upon, that you are unable to see in a different light and take some level of action about.
No matter how difficult the situation that you find yourself in, regardless of any negativity that you live with daily, and in spite of some temporary destructive environment that you may be experiencing right now, there is a better place for you and there are better opportunities. It is simply that they are just beyond your current ability to see them.
Change your way of looking just at the actual challenges that face you. Acknowledge them, of course. You must do this or you will be in denial. But don't look at them as cast in stone, as something permanent or fixed or as the only single reality there is. You have to see that these circumstances can be changed and that you can make progress beyond them. None of who you are is so fixed that you cannot create a different and better set of circumstances.
Of course there is choice and you are the one person that gets to do the choosing. There is no reason for you to settle in the place of second best or to allow bad situations to persist in damaging aspects of your life. Instead identify the ideal picture of how good you wish that thing to be, of the way that a certain outcome might change so many things for the better.
But the first requirement is that you recognise what it is that you have and from this be firm about what you do not want, about what is dysfunctional or that does not serve you in any positive way. Be clear that you are willing to let these non-beneficial things and circumstances go, let them fall away from you.
We could be talking of a clunker of a car, of a distressing home situation, of a malfunctioning and distorted relationship, of a job or workplace where you experience inappropriate behavior or simple bad practice. You may want to break free from a crippling cycle of debt or from a relationship where there is neither love nor scope for change. It might be that you are in a place of personal despair and lack of any hope.
Begin to make a shift in your situation by stating clearly that you no longer want to put up with any of the things that you have considered and which you have written down on a list. By getting to a state of clarity about the things that you do not want you are at the same time creating more space for the right things, the right people and the right circumstances to come into your life.
So start with identifying what you don't want.
Now move quickly and clearly into what you do want. Enjoy describing the detail of what you want, and go to work on the process of asking the world to provide you with these.
The Universe likes a person to ask clearly for what they want as it then has clear instructions on what to do and will always work at providing you with what you ask for. If you make your list and do the asking and what turns up seems at odds with what you asked for, rather than blame the Universe for giving you the wrong stuff, first check what you asked for. So often people will think they asked for X when actually they asked for Y and a bit of something else or for Y with a little distortion. When you get something that seems different you should always check the original list you were working from!
Do those things that will take you closer to your goal of creating, attracting and then receiving the life that you wish to experience.
Remember that making choices is about deciding from a set of those things you do or do not want, from a choice between what calls your attention or what propels you in a different direction and towards something else.
Making choices is also about coming up with some detail so that you are not just guessing for things.
Sometimes you will need to expend energy in work or labor towards a goal. At other times the goods will be delivered to you almost instantaneous to your wish for their existence.
In each case the deciding factor is the detail that you put into your request and the choices that you make from the options available to you. The biggest mistake would be to think that your choices are limited when in fact they are abundant.
When things are going the way you want, remember that you are in control. And do not forget, that when things are not going the way you want them to, that you are also in control!
by admin | May 12, 2022 | Declutter
The simple act of owning something can create in your brain the perception of value. There are thousands of identical books to the comic book you have or that edition of a monthly magazine, but your mind will assign value to it precisely because it your copy of that book or magazine. The sense of owning something and attributing it a value, is referred to as the Endowment Effect. We give that value to something because it is ours.
House builders want to get you in the show house because it has been made to look real, it has been decorated and filled with gorgeous furniture. This is done so that the endowment effect will work in your brain and emotionally push you forward to where you imagine yourself owning it. The same is true of a car dealership where the sales person wants you to sit in the vehicle and drive it. This way you get a physical as well as deeply emotional sense of what it would be like to own the object.
You can break down the power of the endowment effect by asking a simple question:
"How much effort would I put in to get hold of this, if I didn't own it already?"
The hoarder holds on to things that are easy to acquire rather than items of value which require money to be spent or effort to be invested. Associated with this ease of acquisition you will see the link between hoarding and gifts that are given to us.
Often we will hang on to a wedding present, even if we don't particularly like it, because it came to us easily and there was no effort involved. Part of this equation is the ease with which a hoarder accumulates things, but the other issue is that of the guilt we feel we would experience if we were to throw away or donate the item. All of this is in your head by the way. None of it is real. You own a set of crockery that came as a gift. Smash it up. Throw it away. Donate it to the goodwill shop. There is no guilt attached to the plates. It is only your thinking that is applying this. Other people just see a set of plates.
Surf the Urge
Games we can play with our mind in order to reduce the impact of accumulated junk in our lives can include the process of moving towards the item we think we want, but with the consideration that we are just in a game. We can pick up the item and hold it. How does it make us feel? How does it then feel when you place it back on the counter or put it back on the shelf in the bookstore. When I am in a large city centre I enjoy browsing in the bookstores and sometimes I commit to going in and just looking, to knowing that I will wander around the store and leave without purchasing a book.
Interestingly, in a small indie bookshop, and especially in the shops that sell second hand or vintage books, I don't feel the same urge. In a big bookstore of new books I will find a few books of interest and take them over to a comfy chair. I will spend twenty minutes looking at the books and their content, at the author bio and the jacket blurb. I will satisfy the urge inside my brain that loves the smell of freshly printed clean pages and a cover that has no blemishes or rips. Then I will leave the store and congratulate myself on having enjoyed myself without spending money.
Walk Away from Hoarding
I have been to the edge of the thrill, but faced the addiction and walked away from it. I have surfed the urge. I have not succumbed to the temptation to own the item. Do this for yourself and find the correlation between getting the mental high from taking yourself to those places where you are normally driven by your brain to buy things to satisfy what your brain suggests you need, but then walking away.
Never an easy thing to do, we need to find ways to let go of our clutter.
Specifically related to hoarding here are some questions which might be useful for you to work through :
- "If I had to buy this object with my own money, would I do so again?"
- "If I can I create just two rooms without clutter in my house, which rooms will I choose to work on first?"
- "Can I invite a good friend to help me deal with removing items from my house, for just one hour this week, and book with them to do the same again next week?"
Admitting the existence of the problem is a huge aspect of freeing yourself up emotionally to deal with the clutter that is swamping your house. Opening up to friends and family to speak with them about how you feel over the issue of your junk swamping your living environment is a strong way forward. You are dealing with a state of mind that is recognised as an aspect of mental health.
by admin | May 12, 2022 | Simple Self Help
And when you have been together with them, don't let it end there. Pick up the pieces and take responsibility for being in contact with them until the next time you manage to meet up.
"It only takes a minute" might be a great musical lyric, but it could just as well be the catch phrase for a person getting in touch and staying in touch.
I know that sometimes you have to grit your teeth and smile at the thought of seeing Aunty Mabel and Uncle Charlie, but guess what? You just made their day by making them feel worthwhile and special. It might have been the case that another member of your wider family might have been over to see them, but it was you turning up the way you did, with a smile, a hug, some flowers, a magazine, that actually did happen and brought some joy into their day for the visit you made.
With text messages and email you can act quickly on the thought about getting together, planning something and organizing something. Better still pop into a shop in your lunch hour, buy a card, choose a nice postcard or gift and post a personal message. Heaven forbid, you could even go and visit them!
The spread of the internet and the opportunity to connect with old friends and former schoolmates or work colleagues has been an amazing gift. The click of a button can put you back in contact with a dear friend from years ago, and when meeting up with them, either virtually on-line or in person. Contact can be as if the time that passed since you last met has never existed and what used to be an important bond or relationship comes back to you with the strength of years, further enriching the life you have now and allowing you to give grateful thanks for what has happened before.
Build the experience and the memories by getting together. It helps all of us to realize we are part of a global community that connects first and foremost at the very local and personal level.
If you doubt any of this then take an hour to sit quietly in the corridor or day lounge of a home for the elderly and ask them whether having a visitor is important. Ask them if they care about whether their visitor brings a gift or how they feel about knowing that someone cares enough to remember them. To them what matters is simply that someone has taken the time and energy to make contact and to get in touch. The presents mean far less than the contact, and the contact is a reinforcement that someone cares enough to be thinking of them.
by admin | May 5, 2022 | Simple Self Help
Neglect in relationships, just as in other precious matters, will see the tarnishing and then the loss of that which you once cared so much about.
You don't only experience love as a feeling, you also need to work at it as an action.
All too often we have something special and we stop working at it in the way we did when that same love first began. In the early days we nurtured it like the seed of something that was growing into a stronger and more beautiful thing. We cared for it with attention and forethought, acts of kindness and intentional consideration. Not surprisingly it grew to become something special between you both.
With a relationship that is special and which you want to be a part of, it can also become regular, steady and predictable. This does not happen intentionally on behalf of either party, but can happen with the demands of every day life and experiences.
Building an ever deeper relationship, or simply maintaining the honour and specialness of a loving relationship requires work, attention and energy, just like anything that is important to you. Just as you cannot expect to plant seeds in a field and wait idly for the harvest, so too is it not possible for you to expect a relationship to bloom and flourish without care and attention.
If you want to protect the love you have had and see it grow back to what it has been before, then spend time in doing the things that will allow it to get back to that place.
Put effort into creating afresh the experiences, the time together, the admiration and the longing that makes and gives love the special power and attraction that it holds for us.
Realise the special characteristics of the love you already have in this moment and take time to appreciate it, honour it and invest your own time in it. Plan special times, organize events and trips. Invest emotional time and energy in what will create mutual respect, understanding and ongoing love as you move forward together.
by admin | Apr 29, 2022 | Simple Self Help
Addiction to unproductive, non-supportive, and hostile relationships is easy to get used to. This is precisely because you did not get here overnight. You gradually slipped into allowing it become this way.
We all have a desire to be loved, wanted and appreciated. Sometimes though, we just get confused about what constitutes a good relationship as opposed to one in which we seem to have a role that is perhaps less clear cut than we see it as being.
Being stuck in old patterns of relating to people might mean you are always the giver and yet you don't seem to be appreciated or nurtured in return. Perhaps you are not even acknowledged for the good person you are. Could it be that you are being taken advantage of?
On the other hand, maybe it could be the case that you are the one in some of your relationships with others where you are taking someone for granted, and their own contribution to the relationship is going un-noticed or un-acknowledged by yourself.
A simple stock check or tally of the important relationships for you will allow you to see what is working and what is simply painful or wrong.
Be clear with yourself and with the other person that what has been tolerated until now can no longer be allowed to go on, that you are unable to stay engaged in such a relationship and that you will have to remove yourself from it. If this is a relationship that is casual, temporary or one that is occasioned through work or the proximity you have to the person concerned, then it is easier to deal with perhaps, than where the relationship is a very significant one and closer to home.
But the truth remains, you cannot do any good to yourself or for yourself if you remain in the place that is harmful to you. This is not an easy decision to make, and you may want to seek professional counsel or the guidance of a friend who already knows you well in order that you can have an opportunity to talk through your thinking and through the implications of any of the decisions you might seek to make.
In any of these discussions maintain your focus on the real goal of letting go of the relationships that are not in your own higher interest.
by admin | Apr 28, 2022 | Declutter
We know that when faced with a drawer full of junk it can be very difficult to throw away things we have no regular use for. A study at Yale School of Medicine has been able to track the brain function that we go through when faced with such decisions as keep or throw, save or toss. The school invited a mixed group of hoarders and non-hoarders to meet with them for research and asked the group to sort through items such as old newspapers and junk mail. The test was structured to include items that belonged to the researcher and other items belonging to the participant. Those taking part had to decide on what to keep and what to discard and while they were doing this the research team tracked the brain activity of those sifting through the items.
When faced with how to deal with their own stuff that had been included in the observed test, the hoarders had increased activity in two areas of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and the insula. The greater the struggle that the hoarder felt about whether to throw something out, the more this pattern of brain activation was recorded. The activation of the trigger between the ACC and insula sections of our brain is creating a message that there is 'something wrong' and we need to defend ourselves against the doubt or uncertainty. Keep the item and the unease reduces. These two areas of the brain are moved into play when a smoker wants to give up tobacco or an addict approaches the decision to quite the drug they use. Keep the cigarette and the fear of loss weakens. The greater the activation of the two parts of the brain, the more we feel discomfort, unease and anxiety and so we reach again for the cigarette.
Compulsive shoppers also recognise the same brain activity when faced with a high price on an item. They can put lesser priced items in their trolley all day long if this feeling makes them restful and happy while they accumulate, but when faced with a high priced item, the brain message allows them to push the item away and move to something where the brain has no threat-response activation. This process can be an explanation of why there is a strong self-sustaining element involved in the behaviour of the hoarder. When we find and decide to hold onto an item, we feel calmer and all is good with our world.
Do you struggle to throw out books, or clothes or beer bottles from different breweries? If you like reading, dressing yourself a certain way or have a nostalgia for drinking games from college days, then let's see what the link might be. Other research into hoarder behaviour has shown activation of another area of the brain, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (or vmPFC). The more this is activated the greater the feeling we have of wanting something. It is often the case that the item we are attracted to reinforces our sense of "Me" or of "This is who I am". If you have a tendency to hoard and to accumulate it might be that you are seeing those books sitting on shelves or stacked on your stairs as a reflection of who you think you are, or those wardrobes jammed with clothes as who you are when walking out in the world, or of those old beer bottles with different labels as reflecting back to you how much fun you had with your drinking games. Recognising how the vmPFC element of your brain is activated by the books or bottles, which others see just as junk or mess, can help you understand that you no longer need all this to be who you are.
You may have hoarding disorder if :
You struggle to let go go items because you think they should be saved and where you get distressed over the idea of letting them go.
The volume of things piled high, stacked, and placed within your home space makes it difficult for you to move about freely.
You buy things or always accept free things that you don't need and for which you don't have space anyway.
You have difficulty discarding, donating, recycling or otherwise gifting things that other people would be unlikely to keep in their house after use.
This can lead to a lot of belongings stashed at home and cluttering up walk ways through the home, presenting an obstacle course that is also like to become a fire hazard. It is likely to lead to strain and conflict within the family, but also can lead to isolation and loneliness due to the fact that others - potential partners - will not understand the problem when they see it and want to avoid living with it, or because the hoarder knows that the behaviour is potentially a block to social activity and the embarrassment of inviting people home to discover the accumulation of possessions.
As well as the behavioural difficulties in discarding, of constantly saving items, packaging and clutter, many compulsive hoarders have the difficulties which come from disorganisation, indecision and perfectionism bordering on OCD. Such traits can make their private lives difficult as well as impacting on their social lives where they rarely allow people into their home space for fear of ridicule, shame or guilt at their inability to manage the possessions they have gathered together in the one space.
by admin | Apr 21, 2022 | Simple Self Help
The slipping of your hand into another. The soft laugh. A gentle embrace. And it is not just the touch, but just as strong is the feeling that you know you are loved. You know the love you can recall right now, even though the person who gave it to you, showered it on you, shared their love with you is no longer here.
And so the love will be remembered always as that most special of things that time and distance do little to reduce. How might it be that the love you share with someone today or tomorrow might have resonance with them still some ten, twenty, thirty years from now?
It does not have to be earth shattering to be special, it simply has to be real and honest and openly shared and truly meant. This is plenty. Look at your own chances to express love with those you meet today or during the week that is ahead and remember - when you want to - to express your love with those you choose to. It might be a special thank you or a meeting of the eyes, a touch on a shoulder, a warm embrace or a deep hug. All of these are important if freely given and naturally shared.
Earlier this evening I was talking with my youngest son as he got ready for bed. We were chatting about my Grandad Tom and how much he had loved me when I was a little boy. All of a sudden, in the middle of telling my own youngest son about this time from my childhood, I felt myself overwhelmed by the love of my grandfather reaching out into the present to wrap me in his strong arms and remind me that I am still loved by him and am still his own little grandson to him so many years after he passed away. He was tangibly in the room with us for those minutes, being with his great grandson through my sharing. Forty years from today that moment will still belong to Johnny and the love will be remembered from a grandpa he never knew but who he now knows through his father.
Love is a legacy in that it is not bound by time and space as so many physical things are. Love can be an act, a feeling, a metaphor, a message for someone you reach out to. It is best when not structured or controlled. It needs no boundaries imposed upon it, not will it respect measurement of it.
Simply let your love show. Allow it the space to be of you and from you. It will make all the difference in the world to someone who receives it. You will be able to know that you did the right thing simply because you gave your love.
by admin | Apr 14, 2022 | Simple Self Help
Too many people reach an age in their life when they regret not the things they have done, so much as they cry out for what they have not done.
All too often one of the items at the top end of the "Wish I had done" list are points such as spend more time with my family, visit my parents, go on a trip with my brother or sister, etc. You don't really find yourself saying aloud "I wish I had read another report" or "If only I could have spent another day on work phone calls and follow-ups."
It is a simple enough matter to put some time in your diary and get on and see the people who have importance and meaning in your life, to book time with them or simply to just turn up on a spur of the moment impulse.
If you don't mark out this time with them in the diary it is never going to happen. Rather than neglect these important get-togethers until next year - when you will probably look back and think "If only I had..." instead get on the phone. Send them an email, write them a note and get something in the diary. None of us carry a crystal ball, or know what may happen around the corner, so get on with arranging this today.
Listen to the intuition you already have. Observe the "hunch" you get about calling someone or arranging to get together with them.
One evening I was driving from a place I had been working on the coast, and was heading north to my home when I had the strongest feeling that I should make an effort to break off from my journey to see my parents. It was raining and the traffic was heavy. At the end of a busy day and with a hundred miles ahead of me, I chose to ignore the feeling and drive on. The next day I had a call from my mother to say that my Dad had just that morning suffered a massive heart attack and died suddenly.
I so wish I had listened to the message that had come to me the night before and suggested I make a turn off the highway and take the small roads to their village. I so keenly wish that I had been to see my Dad that night. Do you think that I would not have done anything to spend another few hours with my father? I would have driven across the country, stayed up all night, cancelled everything just to have spent a few more hours with that wonderful man I called my Dad.
So take a few moments to arrange something that can result in an hour or a day or a week together creating memories that can then be with you always.
Just be in the moment and recognise what you do have. Realise what you can create with real time now as opposed to what you might be able to do tomorrow or the next day. Here is the thing about time. It doesn't really exist. There is only the moment that you are in now and you don't really know that tomorrow will come around on the clock.
Pick up that phone, tap on that door, hop in the car and simply arrange to enjoy the time with those you love and with those who love you. You will always have the memories of when you did do something like this, and that will forever be of help to you.
