Clutter is not just about possessions in your house that you no longer use. People who are a negative influence in your life and on how you feel, these too need your focus in order to reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
Since I write about the energy in your home that is generated by objects, possessions and your art, it shouldn't come as a surprise that difficult or toxic people should be treated just like any other negative influence. Toxic people are thankfully a minority, but the strength of their effect upon is can be devastating.
In truth it is common for us to go through the letting go process of discarding items from our lives and to find ourselves thinking about some of the relationships that are similarly heavy, unpleasant or even painful. These need to be dealt with for the same reasons that old, damaged or ugly possessions need to be released from our lives. Difficult people also cause unhappiness, foster discontent or actually contribute to us being unhappy or unfulfilled.
A good and healthy friendship uplifts and supports us. In contrast to this a toxic person will bring poison into the relationship, causing fear, worry or concern. Feuds, fights and arguments are not the characteristics of friendship, but of a strained and difficult relationship that you don't need. There is no need for you to put up with such a person or to have them in your life. There can be moments in any friendship where there will be times of absence or events that prevent us from being together, but the general energy is of help, care and nurturing. Be clear with yourself about any 'friendship' that is less than this to you.
Be clear in asking yourself questions like these:
- What does a good friendship look like?
- What value does this person bring into my life?
- How do they contribute to our relationship?
- How do I feel when I am around them?
Letting go of a relationship or friendship that is not supporting you in being 'Your Best You' is something you need to do in order to live an optimal life, to reduce the distraction of your focus from what matters, but also to stop the drain of your energies. Saying it is one thing though, and actually doing it, making the separation is another thing completely!
See your good relationships as the benchmark.
Consider why these work, what is good about them, and why there is a natural lightness and ease to the way they are. Seeing the positive ones this way, with an intentional focus, allows you to compare them with the more difficult, awkward and difficult relationships. Look at the amount of your free time you are spending in these good and positive relationships, versus the time you allow to be lost in the ones which bring you no benefit or which actually cause you to feel pain or hurt.
Don't wait for "Sorry"
When a friend has caused you to feel upset, distressed or to feel ignored, don't be the person waiting for an apology. It may never come. Oftentimes the toxic person won't even be aware of the damage they have done to you with their selfish behaviour or sharp words. It seems to be the natural way of things that such people can have low levels of self-awareness. Let go of them and move forward.
Ask for help
In letting go of the bad ask for help from those friends who can appreciate and understand what you have been going through. You have to let them know what you have been struggling with in that other relationship, and the chances are quite high that they have been aware of the situation and waiting on the sidelines to be given permission to step in and help you make some changes.
Let yourself feel the sadness
Endings can be difficult and they can be sad. Allow yourself to mourn for the low quality relationship that is ending, if this is what you want to do. Close it down, and let it leave your life. Acknowledge that it did once work well and gave you something you might have needed or wanted at a different time when you were not the person you have since become.
Spend less time in that friendship
Decline an invite. Leave a gathering earlier than normal. Decline an invite. Just because your cell phone rings, do you have to answer it? Let their call go to voicemail. Perhaps reply the next day or not at all. Don't respond to a text message or a voicemail. Let it go. Be less available than you were before. Broaden the time gap of responding to their contact, until one day you don't reply at all.
Journal and reflect on the separation
A relationship is about what is shared between the two people. Can you select on what you received and gave in this friendship? Was there imbalance, humour, kindness, fun? The lessons you take from this can be used to help you move forward. Journal as you go through your recollection of the time with this person. Resolve to let go and move on. You have a good life to live.